My first concert was Third Eye Blind, Eve 6, and Seven Mary Three.  Did it rule?  You better believe it ruled.  It was 9th grade.  It was also my first mosh pit.  It was also the first time a boy touched my boobs.  I’m pretty sure it was accidental.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a paleontologist or a nun.  The first because dinosaurs were cool, and the second because boys were gross.  I have since changed my opinion about boys, but my opinion about dinosaurs remains the same.

I have never in my entire life ever wanted to wear a wedding dress.

I tested for “SNL”, “The Daily Show”, and “I Love You, Man”.

Doritos smell like puke to me.

Nine times out of ten, I’ll pick the vanilla cupcake over the chocolate one.

I was left back in the first grade because I’m dyslexic.

When I was a kid, I played the cello and the clarinet but stopped because I wanted to be cool.  Now I can’t think of anything cooler than being able to play the cello and the clarinet.

I love astronomy and physics.

I get a lot of questions about my name.  People wonder whether they should pronounce Elaine with a long E or a short E.  Both pronunciations are correct, and I have no preference.

I almost drowned a bunch of times.

I totally, completely, and unpretentiously love yoga.  I’m not even that good at it, I just love it.

I wrote my first piece of comedy writing in Mrs. Twilley’s 6th Grade English class in 1994.  We were learning about limericks.  This was mine…

There once was a man named OJ,
Who got really angry one day.
So he got out his knife,
And killed his ex-wife,
And left behind some DNA.

I knew that if I read it to the class, I’d get in trouble.  But I thought, fuck it, this is gold.  So I read it and it killed.  I regret nothing.